Hi friends. I hope you are not expecting graphics or fonts or anything because it was all I could do to type “substack” into a search engine and re-discover my password.
Anyway -- I was going to start this issue with an extended riff on my insane skincare routine, but since I know at least three men (only two who don’t live with me) who have signed up for this newsletter I want to reel them in with a slightly broader appeal so that by the time I get to sunscreen, they really trust me, and I can swoop in and wave their fine lines away.
Necessary preamble: No, you don’t need any of this stuff, and neither do I, and it won’t make you better or smarter or more organized. My guiding principles are consolation and support. I am about comfort in the extreme. I am wearing these furry half mittens as I type this because my hands kind of hurt and they were cold and I felt sorry for myself and as soon as I had these little things on my paws I was momentarily able to listen to my older kid talk about a Nerf blaster he wants. (I could link on the Nerf blaster I guess but I feel like that is not a thing I would actually recommend blindly -- because good lord they are a pain in the butt and every day I fully expect our dog to poop out one of the darts. Or even one of the kids, now that I think about it. Perhaps I will do a Nerf based issue because I once called a bunch of shrinks about whether kids should play with them and the resulting conversation about Freud is one I feel like more people should hear and giggle about.)
Yes, it’s a pandemic, and it’s freezing here in Washington, DC, and it might snow on Sunday night, which means we’re in that “always winter, never Christmas” vibe. And so this first issue is going to be more stuff, less skincare. It’s time to give yourself the deepest and most heartfelt snuggle, a pep talk, and maybe one of these things. Or maybe you know someone who needs one! Or maybe you needed to be reminded that you own one of these things and should be using it.
Are you cold? I’m cold. And I love being cold because the universe of things that make you warm are, as the song says, a few of my favorite things. (Copper kettles! Warm woolen mittens! I mean come on.) I gave a million people this electric blanket throw over the holidays as a gift, and I was one of the million who got it from me. It’s. So. Cozy. Two tips, for those of you that already own it: spread it over your bed, fold it lengthwise (sherpa side up) and turn it on. When it’s warm, lie down on your tummy and feel like you’re getting a big hug from someone who needs nothing from you. I accidentally did this during the workday the other day and thank god my husband came in the room and reminded me that I wasn’t getting paid to lie on my front on a warm blanket. (Did… NPR call him, I wonder?) Also if you have a job like that, let me know. Tip two: spread it over your bed before you get in it for a little preheat while you brush your teeth. I know this sounds dumb, but you’d be surprised how many people have told me these are helpful tips! Also, if I gave this blanket to you and you unexpectedly find that it’s not working, it’s possible that it’s not plugged into its socket properly, so you don’t need to call the company tearfully. There are still some very cute colors left and I really love that tan and black buffalo plaid.
Myrna Loy’s pajamas. The other day I was sitting in my favorite sweatpants, thinking about my favorite velvet leggings, and I searched “velvet sweatpants” on the intershopweb. Run, don’t walk, to buy these unbelievably comfortable velvet pants from Loft which are down to $21.95 with code LOVEIT. (I do! Loft does know me! Also that code makes the fingerless fur gloves like, eight bucks.) They are closer to velour than velvet -- which is cool with this ‘90’s Juicy gal -- and they are so unbelievably forgiving that they can kind of sit anywhere on your waist. That means you can wear them to a meeting (I guess) up high on your waist with a cute bodysuit, or with a sweatshirt to a giant meal where you might want to push them down to accommodate your taquitos. They run a touch roomy. And they make me feel like Myrna Loy in The Thin Man when she wakes up in the middle of the night to make a martini and solve a case. They are chic. And I think they are made of that very cheap fake fabric that’s sort of slippery on the inside which is incredibly comfortable and probably not flammable. And you know what I really love? Feeling chic and comfortable at home in a pandemic under a blanket. I think that they also come in a wide leg if that’s your dream, but I love the taper because now I have three pairs of pants that I can wear with these very expensive boots I bought at a sample sale once for which I hadn’t found the right pant. And if you can pair it with a velvet top, then you have what is essentially a jumpsuit split in two, for those of you who want to get in and out of your pants more quickly. (I mean busy people obviously!)
You know when you show an Instagram ad to someone and say, “who would buy this?” The answer is, moi. Yep, I have that skillet, and those nail stickers, and I’m afraid to open the box next to me because it might be false eyelashes. The thing I am about to recommend wasn’t even originally advertised to me, but came as a hot tip from a friend I adore. These masks are so snug and soft and they keep your ears warm! They do all the things they say! And remember how it’s freezing? Well, my dog still has to poop (outside). I went back and ordered one for my kids, and the nine year old loves it too -- super soft on the skin, and perfect for the playground. (He is a petite child with a small face, nine years old, and the larger of the two kids sizes is a better fit for him.) They have a code right now for 25% off (UNITY25) which makes them way more affordable. I wish they had more colors, but the navy is cute. And I want to try the sherpa mask, but will I look like I’m in an animal costume? (It has never stopped me before, I had a faux fur maternity coat, and when I wore it I looked like I’d eaten somebody.)
Obviously I have many skincare issues in the works, and a twelve-part series on sunscreen, but since this is just a starter mini-letter, just one winter skin related tip. I started to write a post about my 16 point skincare routine with all the dumb fancy creams and realized that I would lose most of my favorite people that way. (But don’t worry, fancy creams and mists will still be featured.) Anyway, I know TikTok loves the drugstore darling Cerave and obviously so do I, but have you tried Vanicream? When Cerave gets to trending on social media and you can’t get your hands on your favorite stuff, don’t sleep on Vanicream (sleep in it), especially if you have sensitive skin. Cerave has more sophisticated ingredients, especially for their moisturizers, but Vanicream just has less stuff if you’re a delicate little flower. I am naturally dry, sensitive, and on prescription strength tretinoin (more on that in later issues, it is the best), so I need some very tender loving care. (I am always a little bit shiny.) If you are in the market for a gentle cleanser, or a nice thick moisturizer for you or your loved ones who are itchy and scratchy, Vanicream is just terrific. I traded my Cerave face wash for Vanicream gentle cleanser and have never looked back. I’ve also heard (by which I mean, spent a ton of time on Reddit and Tiktok getting a medical degree) that Cerave breaks a lot of folks out, so if you’re one of them, find the Vanicream. It’s often cheaper, too! And for god’s sake -- especially in the winter -- apply your moisturizer to damp skin. This includes your lips! (This was a revelation to me, courtesy of the great Charlotte Palermino.) I started doing this with the younger of my offspring and while it was annoying to have him all damp and slippery like a greased pig, it made a huge difference to his eczema prone skin. Also now my elbows feel more like my cheeks. My face cheeks, obviously.
I know that really this is seven of my friends who are reading, and maybe a high school boyfriend, but if you have something you would like a recommendation on, can you send it to yourbarriegodmother@gmail.com? It’s easier to have everything in one place and I keep losing your emails.
Stay warm my friends!
Xooxox
BJH
You had me at Vanicream!
I think you should expand on the nerf gun! I must be one of the three guys! Dawn does the blanket thing every night, she loves the bed warm.